The Agony of an Instant

[x]

Charles needed a moment. He needed a moment in which he didn’t have to play the wise, old Professor, in which he didn’t need to remain calm and collected. Actually, he’d needed those moments depressingly often in his life. Especially with Erik’s never-ending, self-imposed mission to instigate war with humanity. The mission he’d been willing to sacrifice a terrified child for. The mission he’d tried to force Charles to complete, taking advantage of his enslavement.

But there was no time to indulge in his anger and rage; he had a school full of young mutants to think of. He had to swallow his anger, to shelve it in favor of their best interests. Erik’s decision at Alkali Lake was done; it couldn’t be changed, Erik would never regret it—“You should have killed me when you had the chance, Charles!”—and Charles had long ceased working on the hope that Erik would ever be anything but what he’d become. He would always hope—to do anything else would require admitting defeat and Charles would not admit defeat in this matter—but he could not rely on the hope that Erik would put the safety of his fellow mutant before the achievement of his goals.

If nothing else, he had made some progress with the President. It wasn’t peace, it wasn’t full acceptance, but it was something. It was a start, and if Charles was really, truly lucky, Erik would remain quiet enough that he wouldn’t strike a blow against the progression of mutant rights.

At least here, in his office with the homework of his students to keep him occupied (it was endlessly amusing the lengths some of them went to in order to attempt to pull the wool over his eyes and pretend they’d actually read the books he’d assigned), he could spend an evening willfully ignoring Erik and everything to do with him. He might even be able to come to terms with the hollowed-out space Jean had left in his regular mental sweep of the school.

[eloquentnovelist]

'Stop crying your heart out.... Stop crying your heart out.'

The song played on repeat for hours now. She had never seen anybody die before... She never even had a family member or distant relative die before... So to see it happen from a window, to see those angry waves engulf one of her friends, one of her teachers, one of the people who had risked her life to rescue her from Ellis Island... It was devastating to Rogue. She was at an age where just about everything could milk a tear from her. This situation wrung her like a lime wedge and bled her of tears. 

What now? Scott seemed destroyed. And Logan?... She sensed he had feelings for Jean. But this outcome? No one had seen this coming. No one. Not even The Professor... Rogue didn't want to cry... But it was only when she cried to certain songs that she actually felt better. 

The teenager had been curled up in bed for hours while the song played. Her arms had wrapped around herself, for no one else's would. She couldn't ask Bobby to comfort her. She would only get angrier with the fates. If someone was going to hug her, she wanted a full on hug... Cheek to cheek, warmth on warmth... So what was the point? 

Self soothing was very underrated. Yes, Rogue liked to be with her friends but in situations such as these, she preferred to be alone. Watching everyone hold each other and cry together while hands were held was only discouraging. In a time where a death hung over the school, she had enough to worry about than to be side tracked by her own pity party for her mutation. 

Rogue's eyes remained wide open now. The flood gates had shut and she felt somewhat functional again. 

They said the best way to get over a sadness or an aching void in your heart was to keep busy. Well, she wasn't going to get physical comfort so she might as well get something accomplished.

She had to peel herself off he bed and throw on an oversized hoody to cover up some bare skin on her arms and chest. Her room was really the only place she wore tank tops and no gloves. 

Upon entering the hallways, a feeling of eerie silence filled the place. It was a school, a home for people who's families had sent them here or cast them off with nothing into the world... Silence always meant something negative... It didn't matter. Rogue made her way to see the man she wanted to see. Worst that could happen was he could tell her she wasn't needed for extra help. 

Reaching the door, Rogue knocked gently, certain that he had his door closed for a reason. "Professor? Would ya have a minute tah talk? If not, ah could come back later..."

[x]

A gentle knock pulled Charles out of his thoughts.

“Professor? Would ya have a minute tah talk? If no, ah could come back later...”

Rogue, as she’d taken to calling herself. (Some students preferred their birth names, others insisted on forging new identities for themselves; each had their own reasoning, and Charles refrained from judging those reasons.) Charles shifted in his chair, pulling himself out of the half-slouch he still slipped into when he was absorbed in something—a habit that hadn’t changed in decades.

There remained a part of him that wanted to reach out and brush against her mind, if for no other reason than to assure himself that she was okay. While he allowed his mind to stretch out over the estate in a way not entirely without resemblance to a spider’s web, he had sworn off actively brushing against minds when he reopened the school.

“Of course, Rogue,” he answered, pulling away from his desk a bit as he waited for her to enter. “I most certainly have a moment or two to spare.”

She was projecting a bit, emotions standard to the loss of someone once held dear. It was more difficult for her, it seemed, as she didn’t feel as though she could seek physical comfort from the loved ones she still had left. Such was the nature of mutation; a double-bladed sword that could both help and hinder.

He guided his chair out from behind his desk; he'd never liked having barriers between himself and whomever he spoke to.  It made the conversation rather uncomfortable, in his opinion.

“What can I do for you, my dear?”

[eloquentnovelist]

Rogue pressed her forehead to the wood of the door and sighed. These were dark times. Rogue wasn't particularly good at reaching out during dark times. Even after she had returned from Ellis Island after almost dying and killing Logan, Rogue withdrew from her friends, activities, focusing mostly on school and homework. It got worse when Logan left. But it wasn't forever.

The Professor responded almost immediately. Maybe he was expecting her... He would certainly be able to see her coming. Rogue opened the door and let herself in, silently closing the door behind her. She was dressed typically, in jeans and a shirt, hoody zipped over her clothes and keeping her covered, saving anyone around her from exposure. "Thanks for seein' me. Ah didn't know where else ah could go." Yes she did. She knew exactly who she could go to. But it was hard. Talking to Bobby was hard, knowing she couldn't touch him. To seek out The Professor, she knew even if she had control of her powers, they still wouldn't touch. He was a headmaster and she was a student. Touch was more than taboo. It was good to talk with someone without the pressure.

Rogue stood by the door, hands clasped in front of her when he moved from his desk and made himself more available. She hesitated for a moment before fidgeting with her hands a bit. "Mind if ah sit down?" Standing felt strange, like she was ready to run or fight. The last time she stood and had a serious conversation, she as in a forest and ready to gouge Magneto's eyes out with her nails.

"Ah know things are rough and ah haven't actually done much to contribute around here. Ah wanna start to help around here, in any way ah can..." She was already getting an education and a place to sleep. Rogue was a believer in karma, and right now, she needed to pay it back. "It might even help me get comfortable with mah skin? Ah dunno. It was a thought. What do ya think?"

[x]

“Thanks for seein’ me,” Rogue said as she let herself in. “Ah didn’t know where else ah could go.”

An obvious lie, of course, but Charles didn’t comment on it. If she’d chosen not to employ her alternate option, there was most certainly a reason. Most likely, it had everything to do with the fact that she couldn’t touch anyone without fear of hurting the person in question. He wouldn’t begrudge her a lie if it let her feel as though she had some choice in the matter.

“Mind if ah sit down?”

“By all means,” he said, gesturing to one of the chairs.

There were certain dynamics that came with one’s position during a conversation: standing usually lent itself to strength, to hostility, to a certain probability of confrontation.

“Ah know things are rough and ah haven’t actually done much to contribute around here,” she continued. “Ah wanna start to help around here, in any way ah can. It might even help me get comfortable with mah skin? Ah dunno. It was a thought. What do ya think?”

“I think that, for the moment, you are a student and your primary focus should be, as always, your education,” he offered, his voice as gentle as he could make it. “However, there is something to be said for a bit of additional responsibility—especially at your age. And I do agree; perhaps the sense of accomplishment would help you to gain more confidence in yourself, which may in turn help you increase your control of your abilities.”

There had to be a way for Rogue to once again be able to touch the world around her. Perhaps her abilities were tied directly to her emotional state: in times of emotional distress, her powers would act almost of their own volition. If such was indeed the case, then doing everything possible to increase her self-confidence and make her as comfortable in her own skin as they could manage would only help her in the long run.

“Was there anything in particular you wanted to get involved with?”

[eloquentnovelist]

He allowed her to sit, so she did. Making her way to one of the chairs, she took a seat and let her hands rest in her lap. She looked down, picking at the fuzz on one of her gloved fingertips. That was one of the annoying things about her gloves. They always got dirtying fuzzy or a magneto for dust. Hands did no such thing. There were nights where she would give anything to have someone hold her hand without dying, her bare hand... She didn't even remember what that felt like. She was losing the memory of what a hand hold felt like. It scared her as much as the prospect of death... But that wasn't the reason she was here. Rogue wanted to help. She wanted to do something to help everyone or help things run smoother. Running a school was already difficult as it was. Add the death of a staff member and it was going to prove to be a test.

His voice was always so soothing. It was nothing like her biological father which she preferred. The Professor could speak with sharp conviction or a soothing purr that could put the most rambunctious child to sleep. She immediately knew that she made the right choice in coming to his office to talk. "Ah dunno. Ah was gonna ask if ya had anything ya need help with. Maybe ah could aid for a teacher? Or put together a group for students... We don't have a yoga class yet. Ah could get one of those together." Now that she thought about it, that wasn't too bad of an idea. It was a form of fitness, a form of relaxing and stretching which had to do with your relationship to your body. Plenty of students and staff could benefit from it, not just her.

Rogue was at the age where it was dire to accept herself for the way she was. Her mutation certainly didn't help. How do you cherish something when it kept you from reaching out to the people you wanted to? There had to be answers somewhere. She just had to keep looking. Or fake it til ya make it. These years would be the ones that would shape Rogue into the woman she would be for the rest of her life. When death was an ominous presence around her and the people she cared about, she didn't want to waste any more time in taking her life back. Otherwise, she was good as dead already.

[x]

“Ah dunno,” Rogue said as she took a seat. “Ah was gonna ask if ya had anything ya need help with. Maybe ah could aid for a teacher? Or put together a group for students...We don’t have a yoga class yet. Ah could get one of those together.”

Aid of any form would certainly be welcome; the loss of Jean had left a hole in the faculty, and covering her classes could prove challenging until he could locate a suitable replacement. (And oh, how he hated that word; as if anyone could ever actually replace Jean.) While Rogue was still too young to help out by taking over any of Jean’s courses, perhaps there was some merit to allowing her to organize something for the students. It could help take their minds off of what had happened, give them something else to focus on.

“I think that would be a wonderful idea, Rogue,” he agreed. “A number of the students would benefit greatly from such an activity. There had been some discussion, prior to...this. About possibly setting up a few student-led activities. Wonderful of you to beat us to the punch, as it were,” he said with a smile.

After all, it wasn’t as though the students would spend their lives in relative isolation from the rest of the world. Though the school catered specifically to mutants, there was very little difference between the social needs of human children and mutant children; and besides, there was much to be said for the benefits of activities such as yoga, both mental and physical.

“As for assisting the faculty, I’ll not deny that some aid would certainly be welcome,” Charles admitted; it would be an insult to Rogue’s intelligence to pretend as though the loss of a valued staff member would have minimal effects on the workload. “However, at the current moment, I’m afraid the most we can ask of you is to be patient with us.”

Locating a new teacher would take time, but there was a list of possible candidates that Charles kept regularly updated. Until then...everyone was going to have to carry a bit more of the shared burden.

“Though, I will inform the rest of the staff as to your desire to help out, if you’d like.”

[eloquentnovelist]

Her idea was backed with positive reinforcement and for the first time since coming back from Alkali Lake, she smiled. It was a weak one, but it was progress. It was hard to keep finding reasons to genuinely smile. She was happy that Jubilee was safe... But also saddened that Jean didn't make it back to the mansion on account of saving them from the ravaging waters. The price of men and their foolishness was always too heavy to pay and frankly, she was sick of it. When would people realize that hate only brought you onto a path that was darker? She had just had the debate with Magneto in the woods the night the were stranded... She didn't feel any better about the type of man he was. And now, John was with him... Maybe instead of withdrawing from people, she should have sought them out. One of Bobby's friends had opted to join Erik's Brotherhood... He couldn't have been thrilled about that... Immediately, Rogue knew where she needed to be after this visit with Professor Xavier.

"Really? I've done it alone a couple of times and ah find it to be extremely soothing yet strengthening in your core. Ah've always wondered if there was a way to harness exceptional growth or control with an intense session. It's kinda like meditation, but more physical. At least, that's what ah believe." It was so nice to chat with someone without worry. Her relationship was starting to become strained from not only lack of touch but the belief that Bobby was getting frustrated with her ability.

She had no expectation to be added to the staffing roster. In the manner of teaching, Rogue was still a child and had much to learn about delegating in a classroom or teaching lessons of her own. Even though people like Magneto made her feel inferior, Rogue still believed in her own inner strength. She was head strong, and heart strong. She could do whatever she put her mind to. And her mind was set on learning to control her mutation. Feeling positive about herself was a crucial key to unlocking this door to her potential. "Ah trust your decisions, Professor. If any of the staff would like mah help, Ah'm more than happy to make myself available to them while ah work out this yoga group. And ah'll not cast aside my own studies, ah know they're just as important."

[x]

“Really?” Rogue asked, smiling at his approval. “I’ve done it alone a couple of times and ah I find it to be extremely soothing yet strengthening in your core. Ah’ve always wondered if there was a way to harness exceptional growth or control with an intense session. It’s kinda like meditation, but more physical. At least, that’s what ah believe.”

“It’s certainly a point of interest,” Charles encouraged. “There’s something to be said for such an activity; those who regularly engage in it seem to have a much stronger sense of self and seem to be able to develop a firmer control of their minds and bodies. Actually, I’ve met a handful of yoga masters over the years and some of them have even managed to unconsciously develop relatively impressive mental shields.”

Beyond simply engaging in an activity that would allow her to gain more confidence and control over her own body, teaching a yoga class would likely give Rogue enough of a confidence boast to possibly unlock the key to controlling her mutation. It was certainly an idea he was going to encourage. It would be interesting to keep track of any improvements made by students who took part in the sessions, once they were set up.

“Ah trust your decisions, Professor. If any of the staff would like mah help, ah’m more than happy to make myself available to them while ah work out this yoga group. And ah’ll not cast aside my own studies; ah know they’re just as important,” she promised.

“You’ve proven yourself to be a thoroughly capable student, Rogue,” Charles assured. “I have no concerns that you’d let your schoolwork slip. I’ll inform the staff tomorrow that you’re willing to assist in whatever way you can; they’ll all be grateful for the offer.”

Rogue had made such astounding progress in her time at the school; Charles recalled the girl who was terrified of what she could do, who was still reeling from her sudden and involuntary isolation from the rest of the world.  Now, she was beginning to come into her own.  Despite Erik's attempts to weaponize her mutation, Rogue had proven herself to be far stronger than he'd hoped. 

"Will you require any assistance in setting up the sessions?"

[eloquentnovelist]

When engaging in yoga, one often had to focus on themself. Body, mind, all working together to maintain control and breathing while commanding muscles to hold a pose until one day, that pose became fluid as water. Over time, it would flow so smoothly and just become natural.

Since the beginning of her journey, Rogue was always searching for some form of acceptance... From her peers, her teachers, even from herself. One step at a time, right? This maybe, would help her. For touch? Anything was worth a shot. Desperate people were capable of anything. So what was a girl starved of touch and affection capable of? Even she didn't know the answer to that. While she knew she wasn't about to sell her soul over it, she was certainly more than willing to jump through hoops to get it, or in this case, bend over backwards.

She was getting comfortable, pulling at her gloves. The Professor knew how dangerous it would be to touch her, and she knew he wouldn't attempt. But the feel of cool air against her skin made her remember just how cool her breath had felt right after absorbing Bobby in his own room. It made her shiver. Absorbing anyone was never a positive thing for her, so to absorb someone she had feelings for had really struck her hard. That look in Bobby's eyes when he pushed her away, when he had realized what it meant to touch her, that fear... It all came back. She didn't think she could ever forget it. Quickly, Rogue yanked her glove back up and let her hands settle in her lap.

Positive reinforcement from The Professor was exactly what she needed. Bobby was so fond of Rogue. Fond enough that she considered he would do or say anything to make her feel better. When The Professor gave positive words, she knew he meant every word. He wouldn't lead her into the dark.


"Oh no, Professor. Ah really just needed your permission before ah started something. Ah can get a routine together in no time." She smiled some, not too wide. It was a modest smile, one Rogue often gave. There were some days where she just couldn't light up her face with a hearty smile.

They said that the definition of insanity was trying the same thing over and over again and expecting results. This was Rogue, breaking out of her insanity in order to save that smile and the girl she was back home before she was buried in by bitterness. "Ah'm really hoping that someone besides me finds some benefits to this."

[x]

She pulled at her gloves, a sign she was becoming much more at ease—progress, really. One day, Charles hoped she would become comfortable enough that she wouldn’t require the gloves. Her fear was truly her biggest enemy at this point; her fear of hurting those she touched, of losing control and causing them harm without realizing it. It was an altogether common fear among his students when they arrived. It certainly didn’t help that a handful of the students had taken to a bit of teasing over it, either.

Charles didn’t know the full extent of what precisely went on while he was Stryker’s prisoner—and simply put he didn’t really want to, because that would mean becoming all the more aware of Erik’s latest betrayal and to do so would likely break him—but Rogue shivered at a memory and immediately yanked the glove back to its original position.

“Oh no, Professor,” she assured him. “Ah really just needed your permission before ah started something. Ah can get a routine together in no time.”

She gave him a modest, polite smile, one Charles knew very well. It was the smile of someone who often struggled to find a reason to do so. It hurt him, in a way, to bear witness to children struggling to get through life with abilities they didn’t ask for, often presented with more challenges than most. At least these children had a place to go where they could find acceptance and support. It was more than many of the older teachers ever had. It was something, at least.

“Well, you have it,” he confirmed.

“Ah’m really hoping that someone besides me finds some benefits to this,” she added, and Charles smiled a bit at that.

“I’m certain they will, Rogue,” he assured. “In fact, I’m certain that a far greater number than you think will benefit from the opportunity to center themselves. Thank you for your willingness to step up and assist as you can.”

Rogue might one day have a good career as a teacher, if she so chose. Charles had a great deal of hope for her future, especially now that she seemed to be taking the first steps to reclaiming control of her life.

[eloquentnovelist]

It seemed he fully endorsed the idea. She couldn't have been more thrilled with this discussion. Rogue nodded and stood up, too excited to remain seated in his office. She had research to do, videos to watch, and a routine to hash out. And then she needed to get people interested...

Well it wouldn't be hard to get the girls interested. And once girls did back bending flexible poses, the guys would probably join alongside to get a better view of the girls. Eitherway, they would still be learning a core strengthening exercise that would clear their minds and focus them more on their centers and their breathing.

Charles wouldn't have to read her mind to know how excited she was. The girl was almost bursting with energy. It was clear in how her foot tapped on the ground when she stood. She could barely hold still. Oh she could kiss The Professor right now, but that wouldn't be appropriate or safe. So she settled for a bubbly "Oh thank you, Professor! If ya don't mind, Ah'm gonna go get started. Lots to do."

Rogue smiled and it was one that lit up all of her features. It was a shame this was one of the only times that smiled ever happened. The last time it happened was when Logan came home from being on the road.

[x]

Rogue stood up, her excitement obvious even without the telepathy. Charles smiled a bit at that; it was wonderful to see the girl so excited. She had been so afraid of herself when she’d first arrived. That she was able to be so excited for something and have no qualms about showing that excitement, it was progress.

“Oh, thank you, Professor,” Rogue beamed. “If ya don’t mind, Ah’m gonna go get started. Lots to do.”

Charles nodded in agreement. “Of course, my dear, I’ll not keep you any longer. It will be wonderful to see the outcome.”

The girl smiled as though she’d just received the greatest news in history. It was the sort of smile she didn’t usually display unless Logan had returned from his latest escapade.

It was truly comforting to see one of his students so happy, especially in light of recent events. Rogue’s excitement and happiness was a bit infectious, and Charles felt quite a bit happier himself than he had when she’d first knocked on his door.

Life would have to continue on, even without Jean, and the children needed a bit of positivity in their lives. Rogue’s obvious excitement for starting a student-led yoga class was a very good place to start, in his opinion. No doubt a good number of the other students would leap at the opportunity to do something fun with their peers. It wouldn’t fix everything overnight, but it was a start, at least. And a start was exactly what they needed.